Listing Helps Me

It was my birthday. My 34th. Numbers don't bother me so much, but my current state of me does. It bothers me a lot.

Negative Information:

I am 34; need to loose about 15 pounds as I am 5'4", currently about 130 lbs and too chubby to fit into most of my clothes; am renting a condo I am too broke to furnish (fo' real, I don't even have a bed, just an inflatable mattress); I have a lease on a BMW that I can't even afford insurance for; my daughter needs her braces removed but I don't have the money for that; I have not made any close friends since I moved here 2 years ago and time is distancing me from my old friends in my old town; and I am quite unfulfilled since I cannot do much because I have no money.

Positive Information:

I'm healthy; my daughter and I have a close & open relationship (you have to when you sleep on the floor together in the living room of your condo...there's a lot that needs explaining); I have a nice job in a nice work environment; I got a gym membership as a gift from my boyfriend; I have a good boyfriend.

It seems to me that my biggest problem is a lack of money. The reason I don't have any money is because I don't have any type of career besides "admin", which is basically the job you end up with if you want to work inside and don't finish college. I didn't finish college because I thought that it wouldn't matter and 4 years is so long and I was a single mother, blah blah blah.

I did, however, get a lovely certificate from a business college in the legal field, and I could have turned that into something. Instead I shifted around and let the wind take me wherever job-wise and never had a plan and figured it didn't matter anyway. I thought something would happen, or not happen, and whatever. Whatever happens or not happens was what was meant to be.

Fatalistic bullshit was my thinly disguised laziness. Fuck me, it all matters. Doing nothing matters. Doing something matters. Pretending that it doesn't matter, well, matters.

Nothing is particularly wrong with me. Nothing is particularly spectacular about me. Right in the beige middles is where I kept myself. I'm not sure why.

A Smattering of Why I Don't Want to Stand Out:

People will notice me

People won't notice me

If I fail, it'll be embarrassing

If I'm successful, people will expect more from me

I'll be teased/jabbed by my family for standing out and/or failing

If I fail, my lameness will be confirmed. If I never try, I can pretend like I can

Wow. That's pretty lame. WTF? I'm, like, old, and I'm still wrestling with this crap like I'm 15. I'm being so lame right now. I'm beyond lame.